Still Climbing… A Few Updates

Jenny Climbing the Needles in South Dakota

Genetic Testing

Jenny took the BRCA test to see if she was a carrier of a gene sequence that predisposes people to cancer.  The test came back negative, meaning that she is NOT a carrier.  This is GOOD news.  It means there is a smaller chance of recurrence when we get through this.

Austin Wholistic Health  – Dr. Bandy

We went to AWH this week to see the famous Dr. John Bandy.  He is an exceptionally gifted chiropractor, was the first person to diagnose Lance Armstrong with cancer, has published widely in scientific journals on alternative healing therapies, and is the official chiropractor of the University of Texas Athletic Department.  It was impressive to watch the master work, and his kindness and obvious familiarity with the human body really put us at ease.  His unalloyed advice was, “Get the surgery… you would be foolish to pursue an alternative therapy” for this particular cancer all things considered.  It wasn’t what we expected to hear, but in a way its nice to have some general agreement among the various health care providers.  From what information he could gather though muscle testing, it  is his opinion that the cancer has not spread.

Oncology Surgeon #2

We visited our second oncology surgeon here in Austin.  His advice also was to pursue a full mastectomy, though his demeanor and outlook were much more conservative and not so “knife happy” as the first surgeon we saw.  No mention of double mastectomy, and certainly no mention of removing ovaries.

MD Anderson Cancer Center — Houston, TX

We are still trying to get into MDA, and we have a number (five at last count) of people trying to pull strings for us.  We are in the queue, and hope to hear something soon.  Stay tuned

Summary

We are still sitting on a tentative diagnosis of Extensive, High-Grade DCIS with suspicion of micro-invasion.   The consensus recommendation so far from three different doctors is to do a full mastectomy with a sentinel lymph node biopsy to see if the cancer has spread.  We won’t know more until after a surgery at which point both the lymph nodes and the tumor itself will be examined.  In the mean time, Jenny has undertaken a strict anti-cancer diet that essentially means eating 99% vegetables, drinking lots of fresh juice, no  processed food, very little or no salt, and only eating enough meat to keep her weight up.  Please continue to pray, and we’ll keep the updates coming.

A Service for Healing

This morning, our very dear friends Matt & Lauren Larsen came to the house for coffee and prayer.  It was a very special time, and really lightened the mood of the house.  We watched the kids play around, drank a whole pot of coffee, told stories, and laughed.  Matt was recently ordained Deacon and will soon be ordained Priest, and he brought with him blessed oil and reserve Eucharist from his parish, Church of the Incarnation, in Dallas.  We held the service for Ministration to the Sick in our living room and it was a moving time of prayer and worship.  I won’t try to describe it, but it was one of the most meaningful services I have ever participated in.  I reproduce it here for your own benefit, and so that you can pray along with us.  Matt’s parts are in bold, and the italics are what we said together.

Peace be to this house, and to all who dwell in it.

 

Psalm 91

1   He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High *

abides under the shadow of the Almighty.

2   He shall say to the Lord,

“You are my refuge and my stronghold, *

my God in whom I put my trust.”

3   He shall deliver you from the snare of the hunter *

and from the deadly pestilence.

4   He shall cover you with his pinions,

and you shall find refuge under his wings; *

his faithfulness shall be a shield and buckler.

5   You shall not be afraid of any terror by night, *

nor of the arrow that flies by day;

6   Of the plague that stalks in the darkness, *

nor of the sickness that lays waste at mid‑day.

7   A thousand shall fall at your side

and ten thousand at your right hand, *

but it shall not come near you.

8   Your eyes have only to behold *

to see the reward of the wicked.

9   Because you have made the Lord your refuge, *

and the Most High your habitation,

10    There shall no evil happen to you, *

neither shall any plague come near your dwelling.

11    For he shall give his angels charge over you, *

to keep you in all your ways.

12    They shall bear you in their hands, *

lest you dash your foot against a stone.

13    You shall tread upon the lion and adder; *

you shall trample the young lion and the serpent

under your feet.

14    Because he is bound to me in love,

therefore will I deliver him; *

I will protect him, because he knows my Name.

15     He shall call upon me, and I will answer him; *

I am with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and bring him to honor.

16    With long life will I satisfy him, *

and show him my salvation.

 

A Reading from James 5:14-16:

Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise them up; and anyone who has committed sins will be forgiven.Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.

The Word of the Lord

Thanks be to God

 

A Reading from the Gospel According to Mark (6:7, 12-13)

Glory to You Lord Christ

He called the twelve and began to send them out two by two, and gave them authority over the unclean spirits. So they went out and proclaimed that all should repent. They cast out many demons, and anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them.

The Gospel of the Lord

Praise to You Lord Christ

 

Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.  We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.  We are truly sorry and we humbly repent.  For the sake of you Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us;that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name.  Amen.

Almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us all our sins through our Lord Jesus Christ, strengthen us in all goodness, and by the power of the Holy Spirit keep us in eternal life. Amen.

Savior of the world, by your cross and precious blood you have redeemed us;

Save us and help us, we humbly beseech you, O Lord.

[Matt then laid hands on Jenny]

Jenny, I lay my hands upon you in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, beseeching our Lord Jesus Christ to sustain you with his presence, to drive away all sickness of body and spirit, and to give you that victory of life and peace which will enable you to serve him both now and evermore.  Amen.

[Matt dipped his thumb in the holy oil, and made the sign of the cross on Jenny's forehead, saying]

Jenny, I anoint you with oil in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

As you are outwardly anointed with this holy oil, so may our heavenly Father grant you the inward anointing of the Holy Spirit.  Of his great mercy, may he forgive you your sins, release you from suffering, and restore you to wholeness and strength.  May he deliver you from all evil, preserve you in all goodness, and bring you to everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

 The Almighty Lord, who is a strong tower to all who put their trust in him, to whom all things in heaven, on earth, and under the earth bow and obey: Be now and evermore your defense, and make you know and feel that the only Name under heaven given for health and salvation is the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Amen.

[Matt brought out the communion elements]

Jesus said, “I am the living bread which came down from heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live for ever; and the bread which I shall give for the life of the world is my flesh. For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him.”   John 6:51, 55-56

Let us pray in the words Christ taught us

Our Father, who art in heaven,
    hallowed be thy Name, 
    thy kingdom come, 
    thy will be done, 
        on earth as it is in heaven. 
Give us this day our daily bread. 
And forgive us our tresspasses, 
    as we forgive those 
        who trespass against us. 
And lead us not into temptation, 
    but deliver us from evil. 
For thine is the kingdom, 
    and the power, and the glory, 
    for ever and ever. Amen.

The Gifts of God for the People of God… The Body of our Lord Jesus Christ keep you in everlasting life.

[We took communion together]

Gracious Father, we give you praise and thanks for this Holy Communion of the Body and Blood of your beloved Son 
Jesus Christ, the pledge of our redemption; and we pray that it may bring us forgiveness of our sins, strength in our weakness, and everlasting salvation; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

Let us bless the Lord.
Thanks be to God.

O Father of mercies and God of all comfort, our only help in time of need: We humbly beseech thee to behold, visit, andrelieve thy sick servant Jenny for whom our prayers are desired.  Look upon her with the eyes of thy mercy; comfort her with a sense of thy goodness; preserve her from the temptations of the enemy; and give her patience under her affliction.  In thy good time, restore her to health, and enable her to lead the rest of her life in thy fear, and to thy glory; and grant that finally she may dwell with thee in life everlasting; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

O God of heavenly powers, by the might of your command you drive away from our bodies all sickness and all infirmity: Be present in your goodness with your servant Jenny, that her weakness may be banished and her strength restored; and that, her health being renewed, she may bless your holy Name; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

MRI Results

We received a call this morning from the first surgeon we went to here in Austin with the results of the MRI.  They are basically as follows:

• The MRI confirmed that the tumor in the left breast is large and effectively involves the whole breast.
• No detection of any cancer or calcium deposits (a tell-tale sign of cancer) in the right breast.
• A nearby lymph node is “a bit enlarged, but nothing too worrisome.”

Essentially, this is what we expected & hoped to hear.  We didn’t learn anything new, but at this stage no news feels a lot like good news.

 

I Heard Feet Running Up the Stairs

Last Friday, I was working at home because Jenny and I were waiting for a call.  Jenny and her parents had taken the children down to the neighborhood park to play and I was working in the upstairs bedroom on my laptop.  I heard the front door open.  I heard feet running up the stairs.  The bed room door opened.  It was Jenny, and she was on the phone.  It was The Call.

The day before, Jenny had gone to a clinic here in Austin to have a lump in her breast biopsied.  This was the call to tell us the results.  “The test came back positive for cancerous cells,” the voice on the other line said.  In one sentence the world changed.  It’s like waking up in a dark forest, not knowing how you got there, how far it is to the edge of the forest, or even which way to go.

I am writing this blog for the people who love Jenny, and for the people who love our family.  I will try to use the forum as a place to relay updates and keep everyone up to speed regarding the cancer, the prognosis, the treatment, and our general state of our emotional and spiritual health.

The Current Diagnosis:

Extensive Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS) – Stage 0 – with “suspicion” of microinvasion

Translation:

I’ll take it a word or phrase at a time…

Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS) is a noninvasive, slow growing, though potentially malignant, cancer that is still confined to the milk ducts.  “In Situ” means “in place” and refers to the fact that the cancer has not moved out of the duct and into any surrounding tissue.  This is generally considered a “curable” cancer with a successful treatment rate somewhere around 96% or better.  Tumors under 1 cm in diameter are unlikely to spread systemically.

Stage 0 is the default stage for DCIS.  It sounds better than it really is.  That is not to say this is bad news.  It isn’t.  It’s more like no news.  It would be more accurate to call it Stage X.  It means they really don’t know if or how far the cancer may have spread.  It means they haven’t found any cancer cells outside of the local tumor… but then again, we haven’t really checked at this point.

Extensive means exactly what it sounds like it means.  Jenny’s tumor is at least 7-9cm long, and potentially much larger.  It is large enough that it can’t be removed by a simple “lumpectomy.”  Another word they often use for large tumors is “High-grade.”  High-grade DCIS lesions have a 50% risk of becoming invasive breast cancer.

“Suspicion” of Micro invasion means that there is a good chance that the cancer is already invasive, but they can’t say for sure.  The only way to find out if the cancer is invasive is a procedure called a “Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy.”

Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy is basically a procedure where they put dye into the tumor, follow which lymph nodes the dye drains into, and then remove those lymph nodes.  Those lymph nodes are biopsied.  If there is no cancer in those “Sentinel” lymph nodes, then there is a 99% chance that the cancer has NOT spread.  If there is, cancer has spread to those lymph nodes, and the cancer is confirmed as invasive.  IF this were the case, the diagnosis would likely change from DCIS to Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC).

I won’t say more about IDC right now, because we are not there.  We’ll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

What We Are Doing:

So far we have been to Jenny’s OB/GYN, the radiologist, and one surgeon.  Next week we are meeting with another surgeon here in Austin, a plastic surgeon, and Dr. John Bandy of Austin Holistic Health.  We are also trying to get into M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX.  We are awaiting recommendations from my uncle Dr. Scott Ballard and his mentor Dr. Lindsay.  We have had dinner with our friend Dr. Brandi Loomis, and will be speaking soon to another dear friend in med school Kat Lusk.  We are investigating alternative therapies such as Gerson’s and Dr. Burzynski’s. 

In other words, we are basically in information gathering mode right now.  We are trying to face this head on, find out all we can, and get it on the table.  At this point we are considering everything, and nothing is off the table.

What has been recommended:

The only official recommendation so far has come from the first surgeon that we went to see, Dr. Martinez.  Her recommendation is a full mastectomy and removal of the nearby lymph nodes for a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy (with potential for a bi-lateral mastectomy and removal of the ovaries).  Depending on the results of the SLNB, further treatment may be needed, such as radiation or chemotherapy.

How We Are Doing:

I am here only speaking for myself, but if there is an emotion available, we have probably been there in the last five days.  Rage (feeling like screaming the f-word over and over again in the parking garage… fortunately, I did not), depression, exuberant hopefulness, love, fear, anxiety…

For me personally, the daily offices of Morning and Evening Prayer from the Book of Common Prayer have been the only stable ground I can find.  Somehow, saying those ancient prayers both provides comfort in my present need and takes me out of my immediate context to places of gratitude, worship, and thanksgiving that I almost surely could not go unaided.  After saying evening prayer last night, I laid down next to my sleeping wife and felt a more profound sense of gratitude and contentment in that simple act than perhaps I ever have.  For me that cannot be separated from getting things like the Phos Hiliron:

O gracious light,
pure brightness of the everliving Father in heaven,
O Jesus Christ, holy and blessed!

Now as we come to the setting of the sun,
and our eyes behold the vesper light,
we sing your praises, O God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

You are worthy at all times to be praised by happy voices,
O Son of God, O Giver of Life,
and to be glorified through all the worlds.

or The Magnificat

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God my Savior;
for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:
the Almighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his Name.
He has mercy on those who fear him
in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,
he has scattered the proud in their conceit.
He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,
and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has come to the help of his servant Israel,
for he has remembered his promise of mercy,
The promise he made to our fathers,
to Abraham and his children for ever.

Or the Nunc Dimitis:

Lord, you now have set your servant free
to go in peace as you have promised;
For these eyes of mine have seen the Savior,
whom you have prepared for all the world to see:
A Light to enlighten the nations,
and the glory of your people Israel.

into my spiritual bloodstream.  The constant re-grounding in the teaching of Scripture to “give thanks always for all things” is a refuge without which meaninglessness would, I’m afraid, prove dehabilitating. We (Christians) offer thanks not “from time to time,” or “whenever we feel grateful,” but always and for all things. Such an offering is itself an act of communion, a receiving of the love of God through acknowledging His presence in the most unexpected and unlooked for places… not too unlike the cross.  We, as Christians, are a strange people… people who see God in a crucifixion and give thanks for the same. The insane activity (or so it would seem) of giving God thanks for cancer is in some moments more than I can bear.   I literally can’t make my lips say the words.  However, to refuse to give thanks is potentially to miss some of God’s most powerful and important work.

Lord, open our lips

And our mouth shall proclaim your praise

2011: A Year of Beginnings

Few moments would compare, in the whole of my life, to May 1st of this year when my daughter was brought into this world by the hands of our simple and saintly midwife in the basement apartment of my in-law’s house in Black Hawk, South Dakota.  I used just about every inch of the emotional range God has equipped me with during that process, and it brings me tears even now as I type this.  My wife’s courage and composure under such pain and adversity deserve words beyond my skill and poetry beyond my command.  For the love…

This year also saw the fruit of nearly 5 years of dreaming, hoping, and working come to fruition (through, it must be said, the help of many wonderful partners, supporters, advisers, and not least… investors) in the advent of TreeHouse.  I have now switched gears from starting a business to actually cultivating, growing, and operating a business.  May it be something beautiful and good for the world, and may the “law of unintended consequences” be not too harsh on this endeavor.

We started out this year living in South Dakota, and we finish it living in Austin, Texas.  We started out this year with one child, and we finish it with two.  I started out this year unemployed, and I finish the year as the co-founder of a company.  I started out this year without having run seriously since graduating college, and I finish the year with 323 miles of running under my belt trying to get myself into shape for the Black Hills 100.  It truly was a year of beginnings.

The best books I read this year were Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, Earthen Vessels by Gabriel Bunge, The Inferno by Dante Alegheri and translated by John Ciardi, Life is a Miracle by Wendell Berry, A River Runs Through It by Norman Maclean, and

My favorite album of the year is easily the self-titled Bon Iver album, with The Fall of Constantinople by the Cappella Romana coming in as the runner-up.

The two best films I saw were Into Great Silence and Of Gods and Men, and I was fairly pleased with the last installment of the Harry Potter series.

Though not without its challenges, it has been a good year for the Ballard family.  I could probably wax philosophical at this point about the ills of a world that thinks Lady Gaga is a serious artist, or that knows how to download an app and stream movies instantly but knows nothing of how food is grown and raised or how shelters are built and maintained (or anything else actually necessary for life and flourishing), but it is getting late and I don’t think I have anything to say on those subjects that hasn’t already been said by others.  Father Stephen for instance:

Much of our lives in the modern world engage primarily with things that have no “true existence.” We engage with illusions, or social constructs. By the same token, these imaginary things draw us into a life in which we become strangers to true existence.

Despite the current popularity of “3-D” films – they are no morereal than any other film. Much of our economic system is built on the “market,” that is, what people are willing to pay. The value of most items, and of much work, is not intrinsic, but imputed. Thus the mood of a people (“are they optimistic about the future”) can have a direct effect on the “value” of a stock-market.

I am not an economist so I will say no more about something that seems to be largely make-believe….

…

It is strange that in our modern world, afflicted by the make-believe of our culture, we are very likely to look for yet more make-believe to assuage our discomfort – and thus move deeper into the disappear existence that is the source of all our problems.

God calls us away from make-believe and towards true reality. That which is truly existent has become like God, at least in that aspect. For this reason, many Orthodox monastics adopted an extremely simplified life. The less life is bound up with make-believe and grounded in the hard reality of what is, the great the chance that we will find salvation and sanity.

…

It is quite possible for our lives to be dominated by things which have no existence. Our dreams and fantasies, our fears and anxieties, take on an existence that overwhelms everything else. Not only can such concerns not be defeated on their own ground (they are the masters of the unreal world) they must be slowly dragged onto the very ground of reality, Christ Himself, so that they can be revealed in their powerlessness and swept away with the dust of non-being.

My children are extremely dear to me and I pray for their health and salvation. But their well-being does not consist in their health or other material measures. Their existence is founded in the life of prayer and their relationship with the good God and source of all life. God forbid, but if I should lose them unexpectedly, I expect to find them where they have always been – in praise and worship before the throne of God. My only concern is that I find myself with them at the end of all things.

I have no “career goals” for my children other than the goal of their salvation before the true and living God. There is and can be no shame in such a good confession.

By the same token, I have no greater desire for those who are my parishioners – that they be found “in Christ Jesus.” The myriad of devices and intrigues that make us want to think imaginary things to be of importance – I pray for the brilliant light of God’s true existence to sweep away as He defeats all darkness. No enmity has true existence. No anger, no bitterness has true existence. No long cherished grudge has any true existence. When Christ comes and the Truth of His existence begins to sweep away all false things – we will see all these things dissipate. Our salvation is that we will great such a dissipation with joy and not with sadness.

Christ Jesus has set us free.

Happy New Year!

300 Miles

I crossed the 300 mile mark in my training for the Black Hills 100 on Norman Road in Black Hawk, South Dakota this week.  So far, so good.  If I can continue to get the miles in without compromising my commitments to prayer, family, and work, I might actually do this.

 

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I have probably never waited so anxiously for a trailer as I have for this one: